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Here it goes:
<Note: some parts where censored and adapted due for security reasons of privacy>.
In my life I have suffered a lot from my psychiatric disorder. In total I was hospitalized ** times in psychiatric clinics: sometimes voluntarily, others against my will (what is called forced hospitalization). The clinics that I have visited have been * and in each of these I have experienced extremely intense moments on an emotional level. There have been times when I was taken to the clinic by my parents, others by the ambulance and other times by the police. In all these years from December 20** (month in which I was hospitalized for the first time in a psychiatric clinic) to May 2020 (present time) I have developed a greater sensitivity to my thinking mechanisms and in particular to the true structure of why I suffer from a psychiatric disorder.
In this document I would like to summarize the dynamics of my mental disorder and what I think are its root causes. To do this I have to briefly reconstruct the years of my life from birth to the present moment. I was born in * in the * part of * from a young couple around the age of 30. My mother was and is a woman who loves reading while my father is a man who loves music. Both studied at the University of *, the place where they met and fell in love. I lived the first two years of my life in * in a small village in the * part of * called * until my brother * was born in * and my family went to live in the * part of * in the Canton of *. Since I was a child my parents observed particular behaviors in me: I had difficulty relating to others and around 3 years of age I also struggled to speak correctly so much that I had to attend two kindergartens: one municipal and the other socio-educational in which I was followed by child psychologists.
When my brother was born, I also manifested aggressive behaviors, the result of my jealousy for the attention to the mother, behaviors that over time I passed around being aged 4 or 5. I took an extra year of kindergarten starting elementary school at age 7. The years of elementary school are remembered as extremely positive and happy in particular the period from the first to the third grade, the latter period being remembered as the most beautiful of my life and even as a golden age and divinely happy and extreme well-being. After the third I began to be less social with the other classmates so much that my well-being was affected a lot especially in family relationships where there were already tensions between my parents which resulted in a divorce.
After passing primary school, I spent some dark years in which I was bullied. These 4 years of middle school are remembered as difficult and painful moments so much that I often vented my anger and frustration in being bullied by having inappropriate behavior in the family context. After middle school I attended two high schools which I both dropped out of school failure until I found a high school of art in which I felt very well until the third year of school, the year in which there were the first high school exams, I left to enter the world of psychiatric clinics.
From 20** to 2020 therefore my life stopped and focused only and exclusively on my mental condition that concerns a sexual attraction for male children aged between 3 and 12 years (and secondarily for male teenagers and male adults). Unfortunately, since my life is much longer to describe, I will not be able to highlight all the highlights of my past in this document. This first part of this document was only to summarize in a few lines what I wrote in my long autobiography which would be necessary to read all to understand the reflections that I will write later and which are the result of the reworking of the teachings that certain past experiences have taught me .
My thoughts on my psychiatric disorder is as follows: I believe that an allergy to adult life is at the root of my malaise. I hypothesize that all these problematic past years are nothing more than caused by a sort of allergy to everything related to the adult world. The nostalgia of childhood (and especially of the third grade), the desire to be a child forever, the desire to remain carefree and happy forever make me think that on a biological level there is precisely a disturbance in the evolution of mental growth of the child in becoming an adult. In my opinion, the nostalgia for childhood, the desire to remain a child and the desire to remain in an age group in which one is more carefree and happier is something that every human being has on an organic level.
However, in healthy individuals this regressive trait is manifested with a balanced intensity so that despite there is this nostalgia and desire to be a child the individual still manages to adapt to adult life and in it carry out a productive path assuming in his life a real and healthy adult identity. Those who study to become a doctor and receive a degree in medicine recognize their adult identity as a doctor, those who work and receive a diploma as a cook recognize themselves as a cook and so on. This is a part of adult identity: what we become on a professional level. But adult identity does not stop only at the working part, but also at the social, relational and emotional aspect. All these parts make up the identity of an adult individual. This identity allows the individual person to live a happy and balanced life.
When, on the other hand, a person lacks the components to create adult identity, disturbances form which lead the person not to feel happy and to live a non-productive life. In my case, I really think I suffer from an allergy to adult life caused by an organic regressive component that has activated too much in my body compared to healthy individuals. It is as if, metaphorically speaking, there was a wisdom tooth that as a regressive trait in my case developed too intensely became a disabling element that prevents me from building an adult identity. In my opinion, every person suffering from a mental disorder has a regressive trait that has developed too much compared to that of a healthy person.
In my case I believe that at the basis of all my illness there is a sort of "gene" or "defective pillar" which at my birth developed pathologically at too high an intensity and therefore invalidating. This regressive trait that has developed too much is simply the child part of my soul and my being on an emotional level. On an emotional level it is as if the intensity of the desire (present in every human being) to want to remain a child in my case is too high or at pathological levels leading me to develop a real psychiatric disorder. My malfunctioning "gene" of nostalgia for childhood and wanting to be a child has activated a real emotional block in me, generating in me a person suffering from a disease of perception of reality that linked to the environment has generated a psychiatric disorder.
The simple fact that I have a regressive trait that activates too intensely compared to healthy individuals has led me to exhibit socially framed behaviors in a mental disorder. This "gene" of childhood nostalgia and wanting to remain a child has therefore led me to have bizarre, anti-social and even disturbing if not dangerous behaviors. My primary sexual attraction for boys is nothing more than a consequence of this aspect of wanting to be a child again. I am attracted to children not because I have a pedophilia disorder, but because in my deep unconscious I want to go back having that body and go back to having an infantile mind that perceives the world through the eyes of a child.
Mine is nothing but an unconscious desire to want to return to perceiving reality as a child, this because this regressive trait has activated too much. My unconscious wants to go back to the golden age because the regressive trait has meant that my perception of the reality of the world seen by a child was too idealized and perfect. The latter perception (as I wrote: idealized) linked to adolescent and adult growth has generated a psychiatric disorder. The fact that in all my life I have had strange and pathological behaviors are only due to this inner "Peter Pan" (or better said: regressive trait that activated too much) that does not want to grow up. In fact, I think that all this mental illness occurred especially in the third year of the art school is because the regressive trait has meant that this refusal to grow up and assume an adult identity resulted in an act of self-sabotage due to the unconscious fear of take the exams.
The exams "scared" the regressive trait which, not wanting to assume an adult identity, generated a disturbance of the psychic behavior that made me have all these behavioral problems. But the latter are nothing but the means to ensure that I do not assume an adult identity. Said down to earth: since I don't want to grow up and recognize that I am getting bigger and bigger I refused to take the exams and to do this I generated a psychiatric disorder that prevented me from passing the exams and made me boycott all my adult projects (because the exams implied reaching an adult goal: I would have done the University and obtained a diploma that would have made me get a job with which I would have recognized that I had a component that together with others forms the adult identity) .
So, this sexual attraction does not concern a true pedophilia but a refusal (I repeat: caused by a regressive trait) to be an adult and to perceive reality differently from how a child perceives it. The fact that the stronger sexual attraction is towards children than older individuals explains the fact that on an emotional level there is precisely a psycho-affective and emotional block for which the greater well-being of life I have had only in that range of age that included this beloved third grade. If I did not have this trait or regressive "gene" that developed abnormally in my biological being then I would not have a psychiatric disorder and would be able to lead a happy adult life and with a normal nostalgia for childhood and not pathological (because my childhood nostalgia is at too high as intensity compared to a normal individual).
What about you? What do you think there is behind your “Pedophilia” condition?
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As for your question, I don't think, there is something behind my pedophilia. I believe, that I was born that way.
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